SEVENTH BOOK: “Notes on Grief” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Written By Sophia Senyo

For our seventh book, we are reading “Notes on Grief” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Notes on Grief is an exquisite work of meditation, remembrance, and hope, written in the wake of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's beloved father’s death in the summer of 2020. As the COVID-19 pandemic raged around the world, and kept Adichie and her family members separated from one another, her father succumbed unexpectedly to complications of kidney failure.

Expanding on her original New Yorker piece, Adichie shares how this loss shook her to her core. She writes about being one of the millions of people grieving this year; about the familial and cultural dimensions of grief and also about the loneliness and anger that are unavoidable in it. With signature precision of language, and glittering, devastating detail on the page—and never without touches of rich, honest humor—Adichie weaves together her own experience of her father’s death with threads of his life story, from his remarkable survival during the Biafran war, through a long career as a statistics professor, into the days of the pandemic in which he’d stay connected with his children and grandchildren over video chat from the family home in Abba, Nigeria.

In the compact format of We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele, Adichie delivers a gem of a book—a book that fundamentally connects us to one another as it probes one of the most universal human experiences. Notes on Grief is a book for this moment—a work readers will treasure and share now more than ever—and yet will prove durable and timeless, an indispensable addition to Adichie's canon.

[Overview and description from Barnes and Noble]

List of videos we watched, shared and/or discussed this month:

WEEK ONE SUMMARY: Part 1 through Part 6

PROMPTS:

  1. What do you think of the Author’s writing style?

  2. What do you think about her descriptions of grief in part 3 and in part 4:

    • “Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how ungentle mourning can be, how full of anger. You learn how glib condolences can feel. You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language”

    • "the pain is not surprising, but its physicality is"

    • "a sensation of eternal dissolving"

    • "my heart - my actual physical heart, nothing figurative here - is running away from me, has become its own separate thing, beating too fast, its rhythms at odds with mine."

    • "this is an affliction not merely of the spirit but of the body"

    • "another revelation: how much laughter is a part of grief"

    • "in the face of this inferno that is sorrow, I am callow and unformed."

DISCUSSION SUMMARY:

  • Discussion for prompt one:

    • One member noted that it reads so vividly. that you can tell this moment is almost tattooed on her soul somehow. It also reads like a diary a bit and perhaps it is like her mind writing to her soul or her heart writing to her mind or her writing to God.

    • Another member noted that the writing is very personal.

    • Other members noted that it is a unique style and shows that writing a book can be as simple and straightforward as sharing your experience and just being open. And it is a storytelling. And found this to be very encouraging. And not overly convoluted or unnecessarily complex.

  • Discussion for prompt two:

    • One member noted that they think she is right. When it comes to all emotions: it is surprising how physical they are, but not surprising at the same time when we really take a step back and realize that we are energy and soul. 

    • Another member noted that it is also so true when she writes about laughter being part of grief and then in the same paragraph about the inferno of sorrow. But then is it really the grief or perhaps it is actually her anger mixed in because had her father lived a long full life and it was getting to time for him to transition then it would just be pure grief perhaps. But because it seems she feels robbed from the unexpectedness of it and that he was relatively young that it is the anger that is corrupting the grief and turning it into chaos. Others countered that this is grief that it has all these mixed emotions in it.

    • Other members noted that she was spot on about the failure of language. It kind of seems universal this failure of language when it comes to grief. Like there seems to be a commonality across the world that when grief happens, people don’t have the words.

    • Many members noted that her descriptions and these excerpts are perfect. And condolences never really provide consolation.

    • Other members noted that her descriptions are relatable but think that her descriptions are not universal to all and are personal to her. And that grief changes perhaps on who is/was lost and is not the same every time or to the same degree for every situation and every person lost.

  • Additional discussion notes:

    • Some members noted that these first 6 parts of the books, you can immediately understand her emotions and perhaps envision it and how much heartache and shock she experienced in that moment and can understand the parts about denial.

    • Many noted that this book is an eye opener and allowed them to reflect on their own losses and the grief they experienced.

WEEK TWO SUMMARY: Part 7 through Part 12

PROMPTS:

  1. What do you think about the end of part 8 when she writes: "Enemies beware: the worst has happened. My father is gone. My madness will now bare itself."

  2. In part 10, what do you think when she writes: "concrete and sincere memories from those who knew him comfort the most."

DISCUSSION SUMMARY:

  • Discussion for prompt one:

    • One member found this to be so bold and honestly a moment of unmasking perhaps. Before, perhaps, she was willing to play some polite games according to society as a way to honor her father and mother. But once, that is gone. It is kind of like be ready for my unfiltered self.

    • Others noted that during this period, it may seem like everyone is an enemy for those who are grieving that no one understands what they are going through so they cant help them.

    • Some noted that because she feels that she will never experience her father’s love again that she is mad at everyone and maybe mad at herself.

    • And some noted that this book has inspired them to read other books on grief to see how others navigate grief.

  • Discussion for prompt two:

    • One member noted that this makes them think of the discussion from last week when we said condolences are not enough. Really and truly the condolences from those who did not really know know the person are not comforting. But those who loved them or who truly appreciated them and had a deep connection or true sincere moments with the person…….words from those people are comforting because it is soul nourishing. Which then brings to mind: shouldn’t funerals then just be reserved for them so this can be a true homegoing for the soul. Instead of pomp and circumstances. And just have memorials for the broader community that want to pay their respects.

    • Many noted that the condolences that come from those who know the person well really means something compared to those who are just saying generic things and in a way those types of condolences can come off as fake even if people are coming from a good place.

  • We watched and discussed this video - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie On Why You Should Never Admire Quietly https://youtu.be/PrbxahkNO6w?si=D1cZxvwxc-MpGLXA:

    • One member noted that she also feels guilt/shame about how she reacted to Kwanzaa. Instead of praising it, she had the same reaction Chimamanda had back then to the word “black.” And really and truly it is something she is proud that she has let that ignorance go and fully honors and respects Kwanzaa and understands that this is something that is important and to be revered.

    • Many members noted that if we can do what we can in our own environments then that is at least where we can start.

WEEK THREE SUMMARY: Part 13 through Part 18

PROMPTS:

  1. In Part 13, when she reflects on the book written about her father she notes: “It pleases me that it exists, forever declared in print.” What did this part bring to mind or heart or soul for you?

  2. In part 13, she notes that her father’s loving term for her in Igbo is "Nnem ochie" which translates to “My grandmother”. This is interesting because this is also an endearing expression in Ɛʋɛgbe. What do you think of this?

  3. With part 14, what do you think when she tells the story about her teacher when she was teenager and her father’s comment: “The man is not a good teacher, not because he didn’t know how to solve it, but because he didn’t say he didn’t know.”

  4. With part 18, what do you think of the end of this part when she writes – “Never” has come to stay. “Never” feels so unfairly punitive. For the rest of my life, I will live with my hands outstretched for things that are no longer there.

DISCUSSION SUMMARY:

  • Discussion for prompt one:

    • It made one member think about how important books are and how there is a really beautiful energy with books and having books especially ones that you have an emotional connection to.

    • Some members noted that the book was/is probably soothing to the author’s heart and especially now that he has passed on, it is a beautiful remembrance of her father to always have.

    • Other members noted that this book is a beautiful sense of pride in that it is not only the family that honored him but this book shows others appreciated him too.

  • Discussion for prompt two:

    • One member noted that it made them smile because it shows how there is a deep connection across all our cultures. It also shows how translation is not exact. There is more to this name/title grandmother in at least these two indigenous languages that it is used as a term of endearment that parents will use with their children.

    • One member thought that him using this nickname is him saying he has a lot of respect for her like he would for his grandmother or she reminds him of his grandmother.

    • Other members noted that this is a sense of endearment and equivalent to “my dear”. And also that it is an expression of endearment and respect of someone that is kind of like a matriarch figure or patriarch figure or wise person or someone that brings the family together. And noted that some European cultures have this too like when you see an older person call a little child my little babushka in the Russian culture (my little grandmother).

  • Discussion for prompt three:

    • One member noted that when you are teacher you are not just teaching the subject matter but you are also a role model. So when he behaves this way what is he teaching the children. Other members agreed and noted that the morality of a teacher should be a factor in becoming a teacher and really and truly all careers and environments.

    • Others members noted that this was another example showing how wise and honest her father was. And his integrity on how to approach life.

  • Discussion for prompt four:

    • One member noted that this is her expressing that she will always be wishing for him. And now he is just in her mind and gone from her physical world. And so the grief can be a forever thing.

    • Other members noted that now all these memories will be in her mind and now there will not be new memories. Never will there be new memories.

    • Another member noted that they thought this was just so beautiful and to them this is the definition of grief. The true essence of grief. They found this to be so poetic and out of what they have read so far that this is truly grief. And that if someone were to ask them what grief is that this is the definition of grief, essentially that grief is the sorrow that Never has come to stay when it comes to this person because there will never be any new moments with this person you loved so deeply and connected to so deeply.

  • World Bank's Fragility Forum 2024 | "Changemakers" with Author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: https://www.youtube.com/live/qY2WABUXDZE?si=_FMBHcoQqv0nenM-

    • One thing that arose in our discussion was that: the topics she talks about from Palestine, to Putin Ukraine war to other injustices that these are kind of a global grief happening with all the lives that have been impacted and suffered from these tragedies.

Sophia Senyo
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